Monday, January 4, 2010

Ending It in '09

I have a very anxious spirit. My Pastor preached about not being anxious one Sunday morning. The Bible, which is the blueprint to eternal life, says "Be anxious in nothing." I get so anxious in certain situations; anxious to see what the end will be, anxious to tell someone off, anxious to hear something before someone else hears it, anxious to have my say before someone else does, anxious to make myself known to the world...

You, reader...You may have an idea on what it means to recreate yourself, and how sometimes, it's necessary to make changes in your life, because change can be good. Change is inevitable.

The biggest fault I have is fear. I fear that I may NOT do one thing or another. I have fear that I will not be accepted. I have fear that I will disappoint my family and friends. I have fear that I will not succeed. I have fear that I may never love anyone the way I want to.

The year 2009, for me, has been a year of great trial, triumph, and tragedy. I lost a grandfather, a girlfriend, a...friend...a brother (not bloodrelated)...I lost sight. I lost sight of the important things. Truth be told, there are some things from 2009 that I will never get back again. My grandfather is in Heaven...

Silly arguments and battles over power have been the reason for my loss of others. I will not look back and tell myself, "I wish I would've..." The un-follows on twitter. The un-friending on facebook... I look back at my age and say, like my buddy Troy says, "I'm too old to be losing friends..." and whereas I do believe that, I also believe that if there is anyone in your life who is not propelling you into your destiny, you're destined to...well, it's just my belief that you don't go anywhere with folks who've never been anywhere.

I've sat and cried, and wondered if I could ever be, or if it would ever be, or why we could never be...

But, now, I'm a pallbearer for these issues. I'm killing the fear...the disappointment that I have in myself and the disappointment that others have in me. I'm going to discipline myself, but also forgive myself. I realize that a lot of my fear comes from my failure to forgive myself.

To the issues and grievances of 2009, I say to you, Rest in Peace...

Here's to a new year...a new you... and a new way to look at your life.

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